I am sitting here at 6:30 in the morning because I feel heartbroken. My youngest Tessa is going off to Kindergarten on Monday and I am not handling it well, evidence being that I woke up 30 minutes ago because I was actually crying in my sleep. Yes, I woke from a sound sleep with tears streaming down my face and onto my pillow. I have been trying so hard to stay positive for her because she is very anxious about going that I haven't really let myself have a moment to deal with this.
My heart actually hurts. I can hardly see the screen from it being so very blurry from the tears right now. I just want to pour out my heart at least on "paper" and then it might be better. I am sorry if this rambles but I can't help it.
I know she'll be fine and she will adjust well just like my other two kids but why does this hurt so much more? Is it the finality of it all. No more babies at home?
I worry the silence will be deafening. I am not saying that I don't enjoy having quiet in my house from time to time but this seems different. I think it is because I will not get this part of her back. I went through this with each one of my kids when they went to school. You realize that your baby isn't a baby anymore and this season is over. It went too fast.
I hate this. I really do. I hate it. I feel raw.
I don't like giving my kids to someone else for 7 hours of the day. I really enjoy my kids so I am not one of those people that say they can't wait for school to start so they get their kids out of their hair.
My kids are spread apart by 4 years each so I always had a baby at home when I sent off Jake and Izzy to keg. I could cry for a few minutes but then I had a human being that needed me.
I have no one at home this time. I can;t stand writing that.
Maybe this is a bit of me also wishing that I had had more kids, I don't know.
I know that right now I am so sad and I know that this will pass and we move onto another chapter and season.
But each season has always been so bittersweet for me. Excitement for where they will go and who they will become. But also knowing that each day is fleeting and is gone with a blink and a whisper.
Well, I hear little voices emerging from the upstairs so I will need to go and tend to these precious human beans.
I guess this may be a reminder that we should enjoy everyday to it's fullest and enjoy our kids. They are so amazing and need us to BE with them in the moments of their lives.
Every single one of them.
I hope she likes it once she gets there. I'm so nervous for Wynn and she's just going two mornings a week. :) Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI hope it all goes well! I'm sorry it's so difficult. My mom always told me and my siblings one reason she homeschooled was because she couldn't imagine not having us at home with her. It has to be very difficult.
ReplyDeleteI had 11 kids (yours, mine and ours and then we adopted three of our grandchildren). I now live with my son and his two wonderful teenage children. Every hair cut and new pair of shoes seemed to usher in a new degree of independence for the little ones. Right after we adopted the three grandchildren our youngest daughter moved out of the home at the age of 22. I thought, "Great, I can finally have the big bedroom". LOL Everyday I would go into that room to decide where I wanted to put my furniture and everyday I would sit in the middle of the empty room and cry, wishing she was still living at home. I cried each time I dropped one of them off for their first day at kindergarten or preschool. Then I went to the school and volunteered as a helper or room mother. It was wonderful. I not only got to spend more time with my own little ones, but I got to help others learn and grow. At the end of the year I got awards right along with the teachers and students. Now, I'm a great grandmother. None of the little ones are old enough for school or preschool yet. I don't know if I'll have the energy or motivation to volunteer anymore, but I'm definitely not sorry I did it when I did. Take heart dear Kim. Your future is just waiting to pour out blessings on you.
ReplyDeleteSandra
My dearest Kim
ReplyDeleteI am a mom of 4 adult girls and 7 grandchildren. I babysit one of them full time and it is coming to an end as he will be starting preschool/daycare three days a week. It is killing me to think I won't have him here every day. I will still have him with me two days a week and I will make the most of those precious hours. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world. We have unconditional love for our children and we wear our hearts on our sleeves. I cried when I read your entry on your blog about your youngest as I felt the same way years ago when my youngest started school. I was so depressed with the whole thought of not having any kids at home. For years I took in foster children so I would have a home filled with kids. I love being a mom. As a parent (especially moms) we are having to constantly let go as they grow and experience different stages in their lives. I hate to say it but it really doesn't get easier but we learn to accept it as all part of them becoming their own self. My youngest is now a Lieutenant in NOAA Corp and doing very well for herself. I am so proud of the young woman that she has become and it all started with her leaving my side at 5 years old. It still hurts me to have her living far away but I know that she is doing what she loves and that gives me comfort. What helped me do endure the pain of her leaving home was a lot of praying. He gave me the strength to make it through even though I thought I was dying of a broken heart. My prayers will be with you..hugs..Denise
Actually, your post was a relief! I thought she may have started, and had a horrible first week. This is pretty normal, Kim. Part of me always wanted another baby. But, there will be good things during this season, so focus on those. You still have your kiddos with you, and they still need you. This is a good reminder to live this day, storing the memories, but being present in this day. Children grow, and if you've done your job well, they leave for good, and live fully productive lives! But with each phase, you'll have more time to devote to those facets of yourself that make you who you are. You are mom. You are wife. You are daughter, sister, friend, employee, volunteer, artist,creator, builder, designer, blogger and so much more. Each of those comes with it's own rewards, and there will be a bit more time in your day to do the things you enjoy until that day when your job as mother morphs into "mother, supporter, friend, advisor, apartment decorator, shoulder, truth-speaker." At that time, your children will live their own lives, and you are still there as needed, but always, always, always in their hearts.
ReplyDelete-Revi
OMG I GET THIS!
ReplyDeleteMy youngest just started kinder and I was DEVASTATED.
I understand.
And know someone else is going through the exact same thing.
Hugs.
I can feel your pain. I felt the same when my youngest started last year. It will get better. His first day last year I cried the whole day, just sat in a chair and thought about him and cried because I missed having him with me. He just started 1st grade today though and he was soooo excited. I was happy for him as he was so happy. Keep smiling.
ReplyDeleteSian