I am sitting here at 6:30 in the morning because I feel heartbroken. My youngest Tessa is going off to Kindergarten on Monday and I am not handling it well, evidence being that I woke up 30 minutes ago because I was actually crying in my sleep. Yes, I woke from a sound sleep with tears streaming down my face and onto my pillow. I have been trying so hard to stay positive for her because she is very anxious about going that I haven't really let myself have a moment to deal with this.
My heart actually hurts. I can hardly see the screen from it being so very blurry from the tears right now. I just want to pour out my heart at least on "paper" and then it might be better. I am sorry if this rambles but I can't help it.
I know she'll be fine and she will adjust well just like my other two kids but why does this hurt so much more? Is it the finality of it all. No more babies at home?
I worry the silence will be deafening. I am not saying that I don't enjoy having quiet in my house from time to time but this seems different. I think it is because I will not get this part of her back. I went through this with each one of my kids when they went to school. You realize that your baby isn't a baby anymore and this season is over. It went too fast.
I hate this. I really do. I hate it. I feel raw.
I don't like giving my kids to someone else for 7 hours of the day. I really enjoy my kids so I am not one of those people that say they can't wait for school to start so they get their kids out of their hair.
My kids are spread apart by 4 years each so I always had a baby at home when I sent off Jake and Izzy to keg. I could cry for a few minutes but then I had a human being that needed me.
I have no one at home this time. I can;t stand writing that.
Maybe this is a bit of me also wishing that I had had more kids, I don't know.
I know that right now I am so sad and I know that this will pass and we move onto another chapter and season.
But each season has always been so bittersweet for me. Excitement for where they will go and who they will become. But also knowing that each day is fleeting and is gone with a blink and a whisper.
Well, I hear little voices emerging from the upstairs so I will need to go and tend to these precious human beans.
I guess this may be a reminder that we should enjoy everyday to it's fullest and enjoy our kids. They are so amazing and need us to BE with them in the moments of their lives.
Every single one of them.